Are these too big for my face?
Well, now you look like the Unabomber.
Good.
What are you doing with Billy's squirt gun?
We followed the rules and we got screwed.
We were good people, honest people...
...and we got screwed.
Damn it!
What are you gonna do now, you gonna rob a bank?
We got screwed. Over and over again, hon.
I stole the lawn back, and you know what happened?
We have a lawn now.
Yeah, but-- Okay.
We're all just cavemen...
...trying to protect our little patch of land.
Well, now I have a club...
...and I'm gonna take what I need.
Maybe you should steal some Prozac.
Keep laughing, Jane. Keep laughing, okay?
I'll be back soon...
-...with the loot. -Oh, no, no, no. I'm coming.
-Not gonna miss this for the world. -Suit yourself.
Besides, you're gonna need a good wheelman.
Okay, that's it, joke's over. Let's go home.
-Come on. -No, no, no.
-We haven't done the caper yet. -Wow, okay, you--
Then-- Then let's do it before, you know...
...we die of carbon-monoxide poisoning.
When you're in there, get me some Sno-Caps.
Oh, no, no, no, Raisinets, Raisinets. I want Raisinets.
Hon, your thingamabob.
-I know, I know. -All right.
And don't forget to kill the witnesses, hon.
Okay.
Hi.
Brain freeze.
You ever get that?
One Brainfreeze. Anything else?
Yeah. Yeah, I got something else...
...right here.
Hey, Jake, take a break. I got this one.
That'll be 1.29, please.
1.29.
Go! Jane, go! Just go!
Oh, God. You did it?
Oh, there that is.
-That was wild. That was wild! -You actually robbed that place?
No, but I had a slushie and I didn't even pay for it.
-What? -Well, then our problems...
...are pretty much over.
Jane, just drive the car, okay? We'll find another place, okay?
Give me your money! Garth!
Dick?
-Oh, my God. -You remember Jane.
-She's in the car. -Jane?
-Hi, Garth. -Hey, Jane.
-Hon, it's-- Garth. -What's with this?
-From the barbeque. -Harper, what are you--?
I had you going there.
Had me going? You scared me to death.
-Yeah, well.... -You're a madman.
-We should hang out soon. -All right.
Yeah, you wanna hang out with Garth soon, hon?
-All right. -All right.
Drive. Just drive. Just drive the car.
-Okay, Dick. -Okay.
My car's right there.
Get that for you, then. Okay.
-Thank you, sonny. Thank you. -Oh, no, l--
Well, maybe.
Okay, stop the car.
Now, that place is loaded.
They are ripe for the picking.
And you are just the guy for the job.
But seriously, doesn't this remind you of that movie Heat...
-...with Val Kilmer--? -I'm trying my best.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, is all I'm saying. Some people....
Some people have that robbing thing and-- And some people don't.
Maybe...
...you're not a badass.
Hey, man. What can I do you for?
You can do me for all the money in the till.
-This is a stickup. -Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude?
I'm married, that's what's wrong with me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Move it, paraquat! Come on, Zig-Zag.
That's a real gun. You're robbing me.
-Dick? -Honey, robe.
Oh, God, okay. Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
Listen to me. What are you doing, are you craz--?
-What? -Listen, put your hands down.
-He's been stressed. -Why are you undercutting me?
-To be fair, we both-- -I'm trying to rob this man.
-We don't need to do this. -I got a call about the mortgage.
If we don't pay tomorrow, the sheriff's coming to put us out on the street.
Get the money out of there right now, I mean it!
-Pull it out, put it in a sack! Let's go! -Easy, hon.
-God! Oh, God! -Come on.
Wow, that's fantastic. Women are amazing, aren't they?
It's just like jelly jars.
Whoa, hon! Hon!
-Look, look. -Hon?
-What? -I don't think anybody's following us.
God!
Oh, look out for that.
Oh, park under there.
Oh, my God.
-I can't believe we just did that. -But we did do it.
We did do it.
It's not like we stole from some old lady, you know?
Exactly. And you know, maybe we can figure out a way we can...
...give back some of what we've taken to other people.
Maybe we will. It's a definite possibility.
Wanna grab a cup of coffee?
-lced mocha sounds nice. -Yeah.
All right, this is a holdup. Get on the ground and you won't get hurt.
Whoa, Jesus. Are you okay, hon?
-I'm okay. -All right.
You. Two iced mochas, let's go. Move it, move it.
-Two iced mochas. -Yeah. Whipped cream.
-Whipped cream. -Any whipped cream, hon, on yours?
-No, thanks. -None on hers.
-No whipped cream. -Are these nonfat muffins?
-Are they nonfat muffins?! -I think so.
Okay. Hon, these are nonfat muffins. Get some of those.
-Which ones, vanilla or chocolate? -ln the back, in the back.
-This one? -No, no, that one.
-Front? Honey! -No, that one. Okay.
Yeah, okay, that's good. Okay, nobody try to follow us...
...because we're desperate criminals. We're crazy people!
And I'll kill you all!
-Oh, hon, the coffee. Coffee. -Oh, yeah, right.
Thanks a lot.
What are you doing in there?
What do you think?
-It's Elvis on a motorcycle? -It's Evel Knievel, hon.
I like the way it makes my butt look.
Honey, where's my car?
Mercedes, off.
Now I can watch soccer!
No matter what happens, know that I love you.
I love you too.
-Let's do this. -Okay.
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God.
This guy's really loaded.
That's a lot of lettuce.
Should we pistol-whip him?
Hey, don't laugh.
Don't you laugh now, okay?
Because it demeans what we're doing here.
Yeah.
-Anyway, shall we? -Let's do it.
-What--? What is that? -Nothing.
Don't do anything funny, or else.
You could pay the ultimate price.
Honey, come on, cut the crap.
Okay.
We sound so funny.
I know. That's what I was thinking.
Oh, my God.
Hel--
Did you guys hear what happened to Bob Blaustein?
-Bob Blaustein? -Yeah.
-Who's Bob Blaustein? -Oh, he works at Sonent Global.
Or should I say he worked at Sonent Global.
-Yeah. -Yeah, and if they're not careful...
...they'll become the next Pyramid Tech.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Oh, Dick...
...what you been up to since Globodyne went under?
Just working at home, playing in the stock market.
I tell you, guys...
-...it's like stealing money. -You're on fire, Dick.
-Last job, try to stay focused. -Okay.
-Let me hold that door for you, ma'am. -Why, thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, my goodness. This woman has fainted.
-Are you all right? -You might wanna open her blouse...
...so she can...
-...breathe. -Right.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, l-- -You okay?
Oh, no.
That's good.
-Let me get back to you. Excuse me. -Yes?
-May I help you? -Vault inspector.
-What happened to Phil? -Necrotizing fasciitis.
Caused by an invasive streptococcus.
What?
Flesh-eating disorder.
It's all over the money.
Might wanna wash your hands.
-Everybody down! -This is a robbery!
-No way! -Freeze, everybody.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
-Oh, no. -Nobody move a muscle.
You. Whiskers, whiskers. On the floor.
Oh, Dick.
I will blow those whiskers...
-...right off your face! -I'm down!
-Go get the money, please. -You're-- You're money, I'm guns...
-...that's the plan. -Put your weapons down.
-Oh, shit. -Stick to the plan, stick to the plan.
-I'm putting the weapon down. -Bring it on, pigs!
-Honey. -What are you doing?
Oh, Dick. Oh, Dick. Oh, Dick. Run, Dick, run.
-You coward! -Stay on the ground.
-Whoa, boy. -You quitter!
-I'm cuffed! I'm cuffed! -You filthy pig.
-I'm sorry. -Bring it on.
-Bring it on, I'll take on all of you! -Oz?
-Hon, get the car! Get the car! -Debbie.
-Thank you very much. -Oh, Dick.
Honey.
Oh, thank God.
Oz and Debbie Peterson,,,
,,,former employees of now-defunct Globodyne,,,
,,,were charged with armed robbery,,,
-,,,after holding up a local branch,,,, -Dick. Dick, that could have been us.
What were we thinking?
--and turned to crime as a result of their sudden unemployment,
Like this woman, Naomi Seiler, a human-resources manager,,,
,,,caught last May managing a different kind of resource;
220 kilos of Canada 's finest marijuana,
I knew her. She always remembered everybody's birthday.
Or this man, Mark Fish, a former VP of Globodyne,,,
,,,who was arrested after using his home as the setting,,,
,,,for secret high-stakes cockfights,
Mark Fish? He was such a nice guy.
Globodyne CFO Frank Bascombe,,,
,,,starts serving his 18-month prison term next week,
-Eighteen months? That's nothing. -Bastard.
--trying to incriminate Jack McCallister,
-Oh, yeah. -I don't think I got away with anything,
The collapse of Globodyne hurt me financially and personally,,,
,,,just like any other employee, I'm sick about it,
I'm et up about it,
Now watch this shot,
Did I get him?
-Now you did, -Great,
Look at that guy.
Everybody's in hell, he's on vacation shooting stuff.
Man, I hope every one of these bastards get what they deserve.
Prosecutors say next to be indicted will be,,,
,,,company spin doctor Dick Harper,
-Harper gave misleading statements,,, -What? Indicted?
,,,about Globodyne's finances one minute before the company,,,,
-lndicted? -That's not fair. They made you...
...go on that show.
You hear what they said? I'm gonna be indicted.
-But you only said what they told you. -lndicted, Jane!
Indicted. I'm gonna be indicted.
-Wait, it's gonna be-- -lndicted!
-Honey-- Dick-- -lndicted!
-Honey-- -Gonna be indicted!
Hold it, they can't-- It's gonna be okay. Just calm down.
I can't calm down, I'm gonna be indicted. Indicted!
I'm gonna be indicted!
Indicted!
I'm gonna be indicted!
Be indicted!
You know, I haven't seen you in the downtown club for a while, sir.
Well, that's because I was very, very busy...
...being indicted.
Look at all the executives.
You guys are my kind of peeps.
Captains of industry, masters of the universe...
...presidents of Hair Club for Men. That's a nice piece of hair.
You can't even see the tread marks.
This squirrel died of natural causes.
Excuse me, pardon me.
I gotta get to the "toppytip" of the financial summit.
Isn't anyone going to do anything?
This happens every week. This guy actually isn't that bad.
I'm a corporate puppet.
And I'm gonna need some more string...
...so I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday...
-...without being manipulated... -No, no, no, I got it.
...by the bullshit!
Oh, my God, Dick. Come down from there.
Hon, I'm in the middle of a very important meeting.
Sweetie, you're standing on a table pretending to be a puppet.
Who's pretending?
-Couldn't you have just cut him off? -He only had half a beer.
Dick, hi. Long time no see.
-Frank! Frank! -I'm gonna get him. Just--
Frank, where are you going?
-Dick! -Come on, Frank.
I just wanna have a talk.
Hey there, Frankie.
How do you like those eggs Florentine?
Wait, wait, wait! Wait, it was Jack.
It was Jack.
He siphoned off all of Globodyne's assets...
...and then he dumped the stock. It was his plan from the beginning.
Son of a bitch!
That fucker!
-Hon, language. -She's right.
When you get out of prison...
...you'll get $20 million to keep your mouth shut.
No, 1 0. You think I could have gotten 20?
You son of a b--
-You'll break-- Dick. -I want him.
-Let go. -Don't you think I feel terrible?
Why do you think I'm drinking myself to death?
Instead of drinking, why don't you do something about it.
Yeah, Frank. Sometimes the cure is a clean conscience.
-That is good. -Thanks, hon.
-I just thought of it. -You did?
-Yeah. -You're right.
You're right. Help me up. Help me up.
Yeah, help me up. I gotta think of something.
Okay, just give me a minute. Just give me--
Hey.
Hey!
-Not this time, Frank. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's force of habit. I know a way. I know a way.
But it's really, really risky.
That's where Jack keeps it.
Four hundred million in highly liquid U.S. bearer bonds.
So it's a vault job. Go in after midnight, bypass security...
...and...power tools.
-It's a little simpler than that. -Power tools?
Jack's gonna have to take those bonds out of the safe-deposit box,
That should be fun for him,
Here's my babies.
So, what's he gonna do with the money?
There it is, the Grand Cayman Bank.
Grand Cayman. What is this place?
It's where rich people go to evade taxes,
-Bastards, -Honey,
They can't hear us, What's next?
McCallister takes the bonds to a representative,,,
,,, who asks him for his signature to verify what they call "membership, "
Once the bonds are counted and confirmed,,,
,,, McCallister will receive a CRM- 1 1 4 deposit form,,,
,,,and on this form he inputs his account number,,,
,,, that only he and the bank know, Then the agent will take this,,,
...to an authorization officer for further verification.
Once the representative has stamped and initialed the document...
,,,the account rep will take the CRM- 1 14,,,
,,,back to McCallister for final approval before finalization,
You said this was gonna be simple.
Can you explain it again? Jane doesn't seem to understand.
-Jane, it's simple. It's so simple. -Jeez.
Now, listen.
All we have to do...
,,,is switch McCallister's CRM- 1 14 with his account number,,,
,,,with one of our own,
-I'm so sorry. -A copy that we have made,,,
...that has a number from an account that I have established.
And Jack sends the 400 million to us without knowing it.
That's-- You got it. It's so simple.
That is beautiful. It's a switch.
-It's a switch, -It's a switch,
-It's a switch. -That's so sexy, man.
-That's unbelievable. It'll be fun. -But Jane's gonna have to do it.
Because if McCallister sees either one of us, he'll know something's up.
-And l...? -Do nothing.
I can do that.
Yeah.
Okay.
-You do it, then. You're the one. -Yeah.
Yeah.
-You could do it, except-- -No, it's good.
No, you do it. You do it. You do it.
-You deserve to do it. -Honey--
Are you ready to make the switch? Do you have the form?
-It's right here. -We should practice the move.
-No, I got it. -Okay, fine.
I won't be involved. I won't participate at all.
-You do it. It's all you. -Let's do one for good luck.
I got dressed up. You're not doing me any favors.
-Get out of the car! -I just think it's important.
That's all.
Okay, I'll be the bank representative. And you be you.
Hey. Hey! Wait, sir.
-No! No, no. No! -Sorry.
-Everybody ready? -No.
-What? -Well, Dick lost the form.
-So.... -What?
Do you have an extra copy?
Do you have any idea what I went through to get that?!
Oh, let me guess, a fifth of Scotch!
You son of a--
Wait. Stop it. Knock it off!
My God. Wait a second. Can we get another one?
Is that possible? How can we do that?
You know what, I'm gonna take the car...
...and I'm gonna try to delay McCallister.
-He's here. He's here. -Oh, God.
-What are you--? -I'm going.
That was not cool.
Okay. It's very simple. I got it.
-I got it. It's very simple. -What?
Go into the bank. Go into the office of the client-relations coordinator.
The document forms are backed up on her disk, you have to print one out.
-Who's this guy? Do I say hello? -Never mind. Just blow past them.
Quaint.
McCallister, 1 2 o'clock.
Okay, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go stall him.
-Hon. -What?
How am I supposed to find the client-relations coordinator?
Turn around.
Oh, my-- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Jack McCallister.
-I'm sorry? -It's me, Deb Festerbooth.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, is that the legendary espresso machine?
You want some?
-Really, could l? -Sure, yeah.
-Good to see you. -From the fundraiser.
I am truly sorry, but I really don't recall you, Miss...?
Festerbrook-- Booth. Yes. No, listen, this is crazy.
You have to remember.
-And here you go. -Thank you.
Oh, excuse me. That's my phone.
Oh, me too.
Grand Cayman Bank, how may I help you?
Karen Williams, please.
-This is Karen. -Yes, Mrs. Williams...
...this is Officer Redgreen...
...of the MVPDL.
And we've recovered a stolen vehicle that is registered in your name.
We'd appreciate it if you could come to the impound lot--
What? My car's been stolen?
Don't you remember my tattoo of a green monkey on my ass?
Someone stole my car right out of the parking lot.
No way.
-Yeah. -It's Dick.
I got it.
-Dick. -Yeah.
Is the client-relations coordinator a blond woman with a red scarf?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -She noticed her car isn't stolen.
-What's the account number? -P-N-5-9-7...
P-N-5-9-7...
-...2-K-4-0. -2-4-K--
No, 2-K-4-0.
-Oh, my God. -Got it.
Oh, my God, my car!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-I didn't see you there. -What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
You're parked in a handicapped space.
-That's not a handicapped space. -lt is now!
Yes!
-What are you doing here? -It's too late.
The account rep's authorizing the CRM-1 1 4 right now.
Oh, man!
Wait a second. He's not going back into the room.
-Where is he going? -I'm gonna go down...
...and get this stamped and initialed. You stall him.
Oh, I hate stalling!
-Catches my dust. -Traffic congestion.
Hey, Spence, good to see you again. How you been?
Well, thank you.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
-Of course. -Yeah.
Say, Dick, I'm probably gonna be arrested for DWl...
...so I won't be there when you get out.
-Can we talk about this later? -Look what I found in his car.
I don't wish to discuss this in front of the branch employees, that's why.
Nobody likes to be the bad guy, Bill. But here I am, chopping heads.
-I already verified-- -I understand the need for layoffs.
I'm concerned about morale.
I'm fine, really. Thank you very much. Thank you.
-Madam, can I have my form back? -What did you just call me?
I just don't wanna start a bloodbath.
-Can I have my form back? -Your "forn"?
-ls that how you spell your name? -Why don't I just do this for you, sir.
My form.
You know, there is one bright light here.
Spencer, the guy with the stampy thing, he's top-drawer.
Thank you, sir.
Dick?
Dick Harper?
Jack McCallister.
-You just struck me. -Look what the cat coughed up.
My gosh, you cut an impressive swath, I'll tell you that.
-And you smell good too, you devil. -Just hold on a second.
What do you say we put all this behind us.
-Dick, what are you doing here? -You know, working, mostly, here...
...temporarily, over in Transfers.
-Okay? Just drop it. -I heard you left town.
Yeah, I was in Mexico for a while. But mostly I've been working in Transfers.
-Oh, I see. -Poppycocker.
I wanted to tell you that you are my inspiration.
-There's no hard feelings? -You did the best you could.
-That's all anybody could ask for. -Decent of you to say.
Like my granddaddy used to tell me--
Bye.
It was so great. We did it!
Mr. McCallister, please.
I don't know. I think I made a mistake.
-Are you kidding? You were great! -No, no, no.
Here we are, sir.
Days like this, they make my hands shake.
-Know what I'm saying? -I can imagine.
-What's he doing? -I don't know. What is he doing?
We got one situation here, now, fellas...
...which is that that number wrong.
That's incorrect right there.
-Did he see us? -I have no idea.
I think he saw you.
You were sticking your big head out there.
I gotta hit the road here, fellas, so I'm gonna sign this for you...
-...then you gonna change it. -Yes.
Oh, man. You know, this is really not the time.
This is really not the time. Oh, God, he's coming.
-He's coming, hon. -Okay.
Jack, hey. It was great seeing you.
-Where's Frank Bascombe? -Come again?
You didn't think I'd catch that, now, did you?
-What do you mean? -Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna turn around and march out of here now.
You're gonna take Goldilocks there with you.
And I won't put the two of you in prison for a very long time.
Actually, honey, I think that sounds pretty good. I think....
I think we should take it, you know.
You think so, hon?
I do.
-Because I don't. -Dick Harper.
I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed...
...because of you.
And I'm not leaving here without your money.
What you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
Write me a check.
-You are kidding me. -Dick, it's not gonna do us any good.
He's just gonna cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
I don't care.
I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
All right. All right, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check.
-I'm gonna need my hand back. -Gladly.
All right. Yes, sir. I'm gonna write you that check.
And what's more, I'm not gonna cancel it.
Because I think it takes a lot of cojones...
...to do what you two have done here today. And I admire that.
So...
...here you go.
Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
Y'all take care, now.
Dick, honey...
...give me the squirt gun, okay?
Do you still have McCallister's form?
Why?
Because I just got his signature.
Weren't you an art major?
Dick Harper! I had no idea what you were doing.
I was completely fooled. My God, I didn't know you could act.
Hon, in 1 0th grade I played Biff in Death of a Salesman.
-Come on. -That's just--
See the way I got my eyes watering up?
Yes, sir. It's all right there.
I am married to a genius.
It's a turn-on, isn't it?
-You're a criminal. -I'm a hardened criminal.
Hon, first we need to talk to Spencer.
Right.
Are you in the habit of signing things without looking at them?
Miss Sheinkopf?
Miss Sheinkopf, I'm gonna be home by 6.
-Mr. McCallister! -Jack!
-Mr. McCallister! -Mr. McCallister!
We're all waiting for you over here, Jack. Everybody's really pumped.
Come on!
Is this some kind of a joke, Dick?
Are you still trying to get even with me?
Why would I get even with such a generous man?
I still can't believe you did that. Jane and I were way off base.
-He's on in 20, right? Hook him up. -Wait, on what?
Sam Samuels. MoneyLife.
Oh, and here are some suggested responses.
Live to Southern California, where,,,
,,,in a stunning act of personal generosity, Jack McCallister,,,,
Who the hell do you think you are?
I'm your VP of Communications, Jack.
--personally funded the defunct corporation's pension fund,
You said I just did what?
God, I love this guy,
But seriously, Jack, what made you do it?
Well, l-- Sam, l....
I realized, Sam, that since the employees of Globodyne...
...had given me so much, it was time for me to give back to them.
So yesterday, I wire-transferred...
...$400 million...
...into the newly created Globodyne Pension Relief Fund.
Oh, yeah!
Let's look at what happened when the first ex-Globodyne employees,,,
,,,received their shares of money,
Many people had their life savings invested in the company,,,
,,,and were delighted to learn their pensions had been returned,
It is the first time in U, S, corporate history,,,
,,, that a CEO has personally funded a bankrupted pension plan,
This incredible gesture won't soon be forgotten by the people,,,
,,, whose lives it has so dramatically affected,
And this is just the beginning,
In the coming months, thousands more will be receiving a check,,,
,,,for the full value of their lost pensions and life savings,
Jack, Jack, he's got your back!
You hear that? They love you, Jack.
-Now, go to hell. -Mr. McCallister...
...do you consider yourself a modern-day Robin Hood?
-Does this mean you're off the hook? -Do you wanna save the whales?
Now, hang on a minute.
Have you decided to contribute to the homeless?
What made you so gracious?
Mr. McCallister, how do you feel right now?
Mr. McCallister, how about giving a brother a buck?
Look at our beautiful family.
My name is Dick Harper.
-I agree. -Hey, Harpers, stick them up!
-Look who it is. -Hey, Garth.
How you doing, Garth?
Great. Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
-Nice. -Hooked up with a new company.
-Great benefits. -Yeah?
Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron.